I cant find the meaning behind this running.. this speed, this madness, this craziness.. I cant understand the pace of this running..
Well every single day of run, meeting new people, having loud nasty pointless discussions on many more arising Projects.. where are you?
Lost!!!!
No touch with your own body, no touch with your own mind and not knowing what you want.. now you tell me it is important to live.. why?
it perception..
Now why perceptions??? I don't know..
why do you don't know???.. now you call me mad!! :)
Well what is that is the thing behind which you are running???
Monday, 20 February 2012
Sunday, 19 February 2012
Yet another day - Birthday!!
Hopes never end while I look up for this dawn of FEB 20th...
For everyone it is just another day, even for me it is .. but it is my birthday.
Memories of all kid-life comes back.. waking up early.. then praying to god.. wearing new dress and going to temple.. appas' face with lots of love.. telling me "happy birthday kanna".. so sweet.. I miss me.. but yup Birthday is fun..
I wanted to finish my blog; and hence did I come back and edit it to finish it.
Let me give you a proper look of my birthday;sadly recalling that I am 26 now...
I woke up with a buzz from a lovely female asking if I am not getting my blouse re-mended. She is my seamstress. I went to her house after a quick brush and then the weather was so chill that I could feel my bones shiver right within. I reached there in her house to get the characteristic smell of mustard oil and saw her in laws. Her mother-in-law wished me a happy birthday!!
She within some minutes finished my blouse and then I was heading towards my room. Back in the room I was, anticipating me as a beautiful woman in a gorgeous saree, wasting my time over TV gets a knock from one of my students with whom I was supposed to this city of dreams to celebrate my day.
He tells me he has a loose-motion and cannot go to the city letting me know I could go with his friend who was going to the city. I was happy... at-least I had a company and do not have to go in that rickety bus.. Indian buses are very dusty, if that is how I could put it up.
We(I and the boys) had breakfast a bit late and then this new company to travel tells me that we could head to the city by 10 in the morning.I get ready by 10:30 and we leave by 10:45 in a bike and get in to the home of another friend.
Of course I don't have a home to stay when ever I like in Bangalore. and I am kind of a self inhibiting person who do not stay about anywhere and everywhere. I am worried about giving others a pain. These are some of the little things that worries me, in fact only little things worry me lots.
I reach there to be welcomed by my friend, she is a warm person.. open and fine.someone matured enough to understand things in life.beautiful female with whom I can Jell-well..
And I get fresh ask her about how she is and then move to ward my phone eagerly waiting for someone to pick me up for lunch. I swear I hate waiting and always wants to be everybody's priority one. I know its too much to demand but I think I can't handle it.I am like that.
After about half an hour of doing this and that I get a call from my friend telling me that I do have to be getting picked from this place to get going into a hotel where he has probably arranged a lunch for me.. I don't know him well, i know he has been a friend for about a year now but yes not a regular one but someone with whom i trust i can stay for a while and have some fun.
I could see in his eyes the adoration he had for me, but yes missing the tomboyish me.. I was looking beautiful. this gentleman complained about me not eating. "I don't eat more", I told him but he was kind of making me eat. we ordered for some starters, some mail course as parathas and also some sabji. Lunch went fabulous. No more of dingles and dangles but yes that is beautiful.
after that I go on for a drive. a small beautiful drive.. I like this chap for the sportive nature he has and the choice of music we both have is similar.. nothing very more interesting happened but I love that part.
I am getting dropped back by like 4:00 p.m. and I have like 15 mins to get ready and go for the next date which is a coffee date.
This gentleman calls me by like 4:00, when I am with my previous friend, tells me to meet him by 5 at a specific spot but then reaching each there catching the auto costing me Rs.75 and trying to call him to apologize.. NO ANSWER - 4 times within next 45 minutes!! To my horror I am left out in a place where there is no one whom I know and I am ending up in a closer to a bridge and then I have nothing to do there but to wait.. I hate to wait...
After 45 mins of wait I decide to go inside a restaurant and sit waiting( to add to the glamour I had worn heels after some time and I knew that it is not my cup of tea though I like it, it hurts you know).. where after say for more than like 15 mins my man comes.
He apologized for being late and gave me a compliment of looking good,and then claims he was hungry. There was nothing able to be eaten there and we walk out.. We walk to a near by mall yet again nothing to eat, again to another place where we get fruit-salad with cream. My man gets a call and he tells me sorry again and goes out to pick this call.I called the third gentleman whom I am supposed to meet, getting me a dinner and told him that I am waiting and I was mad. and I had told him that he could pick me by 6:30.
All to my horror I have my man asking me, "can we walk and eat?". I was taken aback but yup I understood that he was busy.Apologies on again and then there goes my man.. This is the human being who talks to people about being relaxed and who is apparently overprotective about me and I have a crush about.But,I do not understand why does he need to get me on when he was still uncomfortable about himself.
THAT WAS BAD!!!
Crossing the road I felt like I have been crushed left right and center and then waiting at the Bus stop I meet my third gentleman of the day.. He was amused to look at me and tell me - your saree is really nice..
I like the air around this guy. Mid in his forties he is a man of courteousness. Very gentle and loving, dropped a kiss on my check to wish me birthday. Of-course he liked me more than I expected him to and that was a wonderful feel to have... beloved mate during a wonderful romantic birthday dinner date - he was perfect as a partner. I realized how lucky his wife was.
I also realized the importance of a homely man. My perception suddenly changed from that of a James Bond - Spider man guy to a lovely homely man who loves his lady love. WORDS OF CHIVALRY IS A WASTE OF TIME.. BUT MEN OF HONOR DO NOT WASTE TIME..:)
Dinner was perfect with ragada-pattis and also some cheese balls.. and naughty little "youngster" being a bit sweet with me... Though worried about his soul mate being ill, he managed to keep me merry. I felt good having him by my side telling him what happened about the day and all the things around me.. He was a perfect listener. and I thoroughly wanted someone like him to be with me or I dont know if i would have crashed for the day.. For clear I was disappointed with the earlier one..
then while way back to the nest, boarded bus from a beautiful flyover to a happening place and got an auto to home to add safety to my travel I tried calling up my best mate of the game.. Peeju as i sweetly call him.. He was with me all the while in auto over phone and helped me regain the courage to travel.. I am scared of darkness.. then I reached home of my friend and "skyped" about for an hour , quarreled with dad and slept of crying and thus ended my Birthday..
and
I am 26 now..
For everyone it is just another day, even for me it is .. but it is my birthday.
Memories of all kid-life comes back.. waking up early.. then praying to god.. wearing new dress and going to temple.. appas' face with lots of love.. telling me "happy birthday kanna".. so sweet.. I miss me.. but yup Birthday is fun..
I wanted to finish my blog; and hence did I come back and edit it to finish it.
Let me give you a proper look of my birthday;sadly recalling that I am 26 now...
I woke up with a buzz from a lovely female asking if I am not getting my blouse re-mended. She is my seamstress. I went to her house after a quick brush and then the weather was so chill that I could feel my bones shiver right within. I reached there in her house to get the characteristic smell of mustard oil and saw her in laws. Her mother-in-law wished me a happy birthday!!
She within some minutes finished my blouse and then I was heading towards my room. Back in the room I was, anticipating me as a beautiful woman in a gorgeous saree, wasting my time over TV gets a knock from one of my students with whom I was supposed to this city of dreams to celebrate my day.
He tells me he has a loose-motion and cannot go to the city letting me know I could go with his friend who was going to the city. I was happy... at-least I had a company and do not have to go in that rickety bus.. Indian buses are very dusty, if that is how I could put it up.
We(I and the boys) had breakfast a bit late and then this new company to travel tells me that we could head to the city by 10 in the morning.I get ready by 10:30 and we leave by 10:45 in a bike and get in to the home of another friend.
Of course I don't have a home to stay when ever I like in Bangalore. and I am kind of a self inhibiting person who do not stay about anywhere and everywhere. I am worried about giving others a pain. These are some of the little things that worries me, in fact only little things worry me lots.
I reach there to be welcomed by my friend, she is a warm person.. open and fine.someone matured enough to understand things in life.beautiful female with whom I can Jell-well..
And I get fresh ask her about how she is and then move to ward my phone eagerly waiting for someone to pick me up for lunch. I swear I hate waiting and always wants to be everybody's priority one. I know its too much to demand but I think I can't handle it.I am like that.
After about half an hour of doing this and that I get a call from my friend telling me that I do have to be getting picked from this place to get going into a hotel where he has probably arranged a lunch for me.. I don't know him well, i know he has been a friend for about a year now but yes not a regular one but someone with whom i trust i can stay for a while and have some fun.
I could see in his eyes the adoration he had for me, but yes missing the tomboyish me.. I was looking beautiful. this gentleman complained about me not eating. "I don't eat more", I told him but he was kind of making me eat. we ordered for some starters, some mail course as parathas and also some sabji. Lunch went fabulous. No more of dingles and dangles but yes that is beautiful.
after that I go on for a drive. a small beautiful drive.. I like this chap for the sportive nature he has and the choice of music we both have is similar.. nothing very more interesting happened but I love that part.
I am getting dropped back by like 4:00 p.m. and I have like 15 mins to get ready and go for the next date which is a coffee date.
This gentleman calls me by like 4:00, when I am with my previous friend, tells me to meet him by 5 at a specific spot but then reaching each there catching the auto costing me Rs.75 and trying to call him to apologize.. NO ANSWER - 4 times within next 45 minutes!! To my horror I am left out in a place where there is no one whom I know and I am ending up in a closer to a bridge and then I have nothing to do there but to wait.. I hate to wait...
After 45 mins of wait I decide to go inside a restaurant and sit waiting( to add to the glamour I had worn heels after some time and I knew that it is not my cup of tea though I like it, it hurts you know).. where after say for more than like 15 mins my man comes.
He apologized for being late and gave me a compliment of looking good,and then claims he was hungry. There was nothing able to be eaten there and we walk out.. We walk to a near by mall yet again nothing to eat, again to another place where we get fruit-salad with cream. My man gets a call and he tells me sorry again and goes out to pick this call.I called the third gentleman whom I am supposed to meet, getting me a dinner and told him that I am waiting and I was mad. and I had told him that he could pick me by 6:30.
All to my horror I have my man asking me, "can we walk and eat?". I was taken aback but yup I understood that he was busy.Apologies on again and then there goes my man.. This is the human being who talks to people about being relaxed and who is apparently overprotective about me and I have a crush about.But,I do not understand why does he need to get me on when he was still uncomfortable about himself.
THAT WAS BAD!!!
Crossing the road I felt like I have been crushed left right and center and then waiting at the Bus stop I meet my third gentleman of the day.. He was amused to look at me and tell me - your saree is really nice..
I like the air around this guy. Mid in his forties he is a man of courteousness. Very gentle and loving, dropped a kiss on my check to wish me birthday. Of-course he liked me more than I expected him to and that was a wonderful feel to have... beloved mate during a wonderful romantic birthday dinner date - he was perfect as a partner. I realized how lucky his wife was.
I also realized the importance of a homely man. My perception suddenly changed from that of a James Bond - Spider man guy to a lovely homely man who loves his lady love. WORDS OF CHIVALRY IS A WASTE OF TIME.. BUT MEN OF HONOR DO NOT WASTE TIME..:)
Dinner was perfect with ragada-pattis and also some cheese balls.. and naughty little "youngster" being a bit sweet with me... Though worried about his soul mate being ill, he managed to keep me merry. I felt good having him by my side telling him what happened about the day and all the things around me.. He was a perfect listener. and I thoroughly wanted someone like him to be with me or I dont know if i would have crashed for the day.. For clear I was disappointed with the earlier one..
then while way back to the nest, boarded bus from a beautiful flyover to a happening place and got an auto to home to add safety to my travel I tried calling up my best mate of the game.. Peeju as i sweetly call him.. He was with me all the while in auto over phone and helped me regain the courage to travel.. I am scared of darkness.. then I reached home of my friend and "skyped" about for an hour , quarreled with dad and slept of crying and thus ended my Birthday..
and
I am 26 now..
Wednesday, 28 December 2011
if only they could speak...
If some tears could speak a few words,
Sure would they tell the world,
How it was deeper within for one
When laughing for the world..
Beautiful and meaningless when it spills,
Permission less and complaint less
Adhering to the tides up and down within..
And later being wiped in a soft muslin unnoticed..
Running away from dear of the questions they fear,
Not even able flow freely, but for in a shower..
Suppressing mostly all that’s felt, continues living dead the one
Never openly able to Laugh
Never openly able to Cry……
Sure would they tell the world,
How it was deeper within for one
When laughing for the world..
Beautiful and meaningless when it spills,
Permission less and complaint less
Adhering to the tides up and down within..
And later being wiped in a soft muslin unnoticed..
Running away from dear of the questions they fear,
Not even able flow freely, but for in a shower..
Suppressing mostly all that’s felt, continues living dead the one
Never openly able to Laugh
Never openly able to Cry……
Many "WHY's"
Why do I love your presence?
You don’t exist in my universe...
You don’t think of me... Neither do i know if you do..
But then why? Unanswered “why?” questions..
Does this happen to you with every other female you meet in your life?
Of course not... I know the answer cause I relate you to me here...
But then why me? Yet another “Why?”
Still I do not understand why I did want to be withheld in your arms…
From the day I met your eyes I dressed up for you, I know
Those arms were once what I wanted..
But now when they have held me close, and those mesmeric eyes dug deep within me...
Why does my mind cry? Is it a yearn for lives or for just a moments secret passion?
I know the stupid me who is just a child in your arms..
But do you really enjoy the uncanny me?
Or was there a disappointment in the “I am Dead!!”
I don’t really know the answer for all the questions you left me with…
And yet another “why?”
You don’t exist in my universe...
You don’t think of me... Neither do i know if you do..
But then why? Unanswered “why?” questions..
Does this happen to you with every other female you meet in your life?
Of course not... I know the answer cause I relate you to me here...
But then why me? Yet another “Why?”
Still I do not understand why I did want to be withheld in your arms…
From the day I met your eyes I dressed up for you, I know
Those arms were once what I wanted..
But now when they have held me close, and those mesmeric eyes dug deep within me...
Why does my mind cry? Is it a yearn for lives or for just a moments secret passion?
I know the stupid me who is just a child in your arms..
But do you really enjoy the uncanny me?
Or was there a disappointment in the “I am Dead!!”
I don’t really know the answer for all the questions you left me with…
And yet another “why?”
Monday, 9 May 2011
My Monsoon Lilly..........
With grace of radiant vitality
Fostering desire to eyes that view
Bloom on a summer
My monsoon Lilly,…
My desire took me higher and higher
Anticipation echoed on color and glow
Like the essence of all beautiful art
Was it you beloved Lilly to my heart!
Was that you ??? Is that you???
Supposition Ring you around as ripples!- I knew
I wish me as your stalk for unseen is my world
Your bloodless white keeps me immersed….
Hopes the ropes shackled me to beauty
Rains of pains awaited me so nearby
For I forgot my baby
“Monsoon Lilly wither so fast !!!”
A mistake or a known self fraud
Hope so , it’s not – I wanted your ever green smile…
I could not believe you could wither off
Just withered off leaving me despaired !
Wear my tear drops as dew drops to you?
Was I too the same as the breeze that once felt you??
Where is the radiance you smiled to me with????
No!!! don’t shackle me with chain of illusions please !!
Never wither off…
Don’t drop me dead baby…
My Sunshine Lover
Once for all smiles and tears,
for all Blue masmeries of time,
and for all dafodills as well,
I couldn't stop me from knowing
What it meant to be "all yours".... You the sunshine lighting my days,
and for only you to fuse for my spring showers..
Its you – the only you – to be my completion
My essence to life; you inarticulate - you inevitable
For all violet twilights I realise
dawn to dusk I kill you, burry you within me,
then for futhur realising the barron me..
Irrecoverably maddening - every moment - every pulse,
still giving me the fragrance life
I have all from you...
Forgive me!!!
My Men
A lot of blisters, memories pale
black and white and rose
of love-warmth-care-compassion
You gave me, both of you . .
One amongst you, desperately walked
following my footsteps in sand,
my moonlight in dark to understand me.
Tried to change the moulded me, for desires in you
caressed my hair, discovering the native girl untouched
You trembled to get me all for you, always ready to wait . .
The other you, never timed to notice me,
walked a long way away,
where I searched for your imprints . .
You made me ready to wait,
reminding me you were still there, whenever I forgot.
Alive and cared preparing me to wait again
until what, still unknown!
Now, tell me where's the destiny;
with you who is in wait to absorb me
or you who has already been absorbed within?
When you spread your arms for me,
tell which to clasp and which to ignore
A world set only for me
or a world that's always mine . .
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