This Pain...

What is Wrong with me?

I didn't get raped, my flesh didn't tear!
No drops ever smeared for me!
I didn't cry to fame, nor roar for justice!
I didn't lose my life, nor did I become a nations' sorrow!
No one "facebooks" about me!

But I have a pain!!
A Pain that leaves me sleepless!
The pain of being one who can create another and destroy another of my kind!
The  lunatic pain of being a daughter, a sister, a mother, a lover and a wife!
A pain of being a woman !

Is this a pain? A Shame?
For us being the force and the resource to just be manipulated?
For all the whims and fantasies and also the wild thrusts anytime?
To be killed every minute - in the womb, in a vehicle, in a home?
As a baby, as a child, as a teen, a youth or a oldie..

Wrong as how I am!! 

Valued Livings.

Every "normal child" has a disability and every "disabled kid" is blessed with an ability. If he is given a environment to grow, then what is a normal kid and what is an abnormal kid. Every kind of kid has to grow up together be it from different creed and culture. It cannot be put together at a later stage, it has to be inculcated from the day he starts interacting. EG: The disabiled kid should be allowed to grow in a value system which is not corrupt. EG: Suppose a disabled child's parents thinks twice before taking him to a party after he has grown up, parent will not take him there because that child is not ready for such an Environment. If he had been put into that system from Day 1, these things would have been far more normal.Let him not be discriminated from Day 1. You are limiting a kid from accessing knowledge. You are not allowing him to be independent just because you believe he is disabled? How ridiculous??


When we cant handle criticism completely and go ahead with being judged, how can we be so judgmental.
People say that you get what you give but I did not get what I gave to this world. So the question is where is the value based learning practices moving to?

Very unknown people..

What once was a intimate relation means nothing to me right now..

I sometimes get surprised on my own vividness on realizing that some people just came over to my life to just put a sign and then later as time passed away as their sign with the fountain nibs washed off by the ink marks and the impressions stay by till it too get corroded by the moments of unshaken realities to follow.

Every person is so very special but yet seizes to remain special. So, one who is very vulnerable and valuable today, changes to someone who is totally unknown and becomes like a used tissue tomorrow (not because of grudge) but life makes its scoops wisely you like it or not..

Reality..

Now -er-days I have started realizing that I was living in a cocoon world where my things worked according to what dad and mom thought about my "things". Now getting on to the world that my dad used to call the "actual world" I realize that people are so rash and irrational.

People cant get the pains of others and they tend to be so manipulative.. They tend to be super mean and ruthless. They don't really care because all of them are actually believing to create a world for themselves a cocoon world where the original people are literally they don't know if they are chopping someone else's heart..

Oh yea, I forgot that there is nothing like someone in anyone's own cocoon world. I have mostly not been able to try and get the mentality of people to understand the other..

Affinity to the past...

MAN immortal happily gets used to the stuff he has already been using or get to do first may be.. but then people bring changed to destroy his level of comfort and by the time he gets accustomed to the new innovated thing people re create it over to something else.

WE say change is the only constant thing in this world but people do forget that there are some things that cant be changed - unfortunately not.. while we say change is common we forget that the past always governs and decided our present and the choices need to be respected. the present unfortunately is going to be changed and we cant be belonged to anywhere.. nothing called belonging to anyone or anywhere or anything.. all is/will change..

Behind the bars of our own self esteem..

I hope people realize this sooner as one stops growing as we put ourselves in a narrow pot of thought.
Like one of my favorite person said,"all I have is some stories"...Lemme start with a story.

Once there was a boy called Alex. Young Alex lived with his parents in a town in Austria. Alex had two sisters who used to be at the university for their higher studies and hence our little Alex was dad's pet. Dad of Alex was a mechanic and he was a hunter too. So travelling with dad Alex learnt about animals, nature and also used to want to have a lot of pets. But being an asthmatic patient his mom was against the idea.

Once Alex and his mom went to buy fish for the home and the thought of delicious dish mom was supposed to make he was mesmerized in the taste. His mom was a fantastic cook. At the fish market he saw various types of fishes and he started looking at the kinds of lengths and shapes of fishes.there were huge ones and there were small ones, in all colors and all kinds.. Fishermen were chopping the fishes into meat lumps and selling it to the buyers. He was agonized by the site of blood that was stinking from the rugs on the fishermen's table. He was watching on the place when all of a sudden his eyes met on to a small little tiny shining fish which was alive and he saw the man not cutting it.. It was beautiful and he wondered,"Of all the fishes how is this one so tinny and so shiny". He decided to ask the man. For his question his mom told him that it was a tiny shark and that is was capable of becoming really big like his dad. "Oh yea!" he thought. and he asked his mom if he could buy it and keep it as his pet.
Mom thought for a minute and thinking that it is not going to create any illness to anyone in the family agreed to it and bought it as a gift to Alex. Our little camp now owns a pet!!

Alex was too thrilled to get the new member to the family. it was about 7 cm in length and was totally shiny in nature, white and dark ash kind color in the down part.. nice it was to climb on to the penthouse where there was sister's old biology vessel lying unused and keep the fellow for him.Special diet for the new pet was found out and fed everyday and Alex visited him twice a day to inspect if mom kept him clean.

Weeks passed away and Alex remained 4 feet in height but our young fellow in the pot became 15cm in length now about to pop out every and any moment. Dad had a brilliant idea to fry the fellow and make him another dish and Alex wept the whole week to make him convince that he could use him when he really really grows up. So Alex transferred him to an aquarium and promised dad that he will take care to give him a good catch later on.

About a couple of months passed and soon to the horror Alex realized that this fellow is going to make his life miserable if he grows like that. He wasn't anymore fitting in the aquarium. But because of the love for fellow he transferred him into the pool in the garden and kept this fact posted to mom."Pool was big for him" thought our young man.

Some more days passed away and Alex was of the age to go to the university like his sisters. So he went to a janitor as he was very sure that he will need to bid adieu to his friend. Because of the attachment he had for the fellow he couldn't let dad kill him as well. So a janitor was the only option. Janitor had many other similar kinds of pets from many people and our young man was pleased to know that the fellow would get the part of the big pool he had all for himself. So, pleased by the janitors service promise and getting a sign on all the papers our man left the fellow and left for the University.

At university our man missed his pet thought he was always with friends, he decided to go and visit him once his course got over. And while into the course he completely forgot about the fellow and once when sitting for casual chilling out with friends our youngster remembers the years that passed by and the fish was with the janitor.


After the finish of his week he headed home to meet his parents and went next day to the janitor and asked for the fellow. Janitor took him to a lagoon and showed him the SHARK.. it had become so huge that Alex got scared looking at him and helped the authorities for the release of it into the ocean back..


Wonderful story but can we compare the shark to our brain and the holder of the fish to the knowledge base we provide them with?

Our mind is like the shark capable to grow too enormous. but seldom do we let it grow like Alex did. We, behind the bars of our self esteem block it with many a million excuses and it starts to shrink.

CAN WE THINK FOR A MOMENT??

Siting by the most mesmeric window of this world..

Today I am back at my home. The catering place to me as an individual. I was born here. Thought life took me to many destined destinations now I am here,for again a short while - a week to be precise, not being able to know the wonder of this magic window when sitting by it and trying to pen-down the plays of past which have evoked me a person.

Memories pale - flow down the brain and result in making mind travel backwards.. some two decades back while running through these kaiyanikal - the small drains that are dug for irrigation of the land and getting beaten for breaking them leading to water loss and crying looking at the marks of red fingerprints from Grandpa on the naked thighs and at the night waiting for Dad to come back from office to complaint to him,"papa grandpa hit me today" with grief and pain and really at night when grandpa is back from the grocers getting the big orange colored/flavored candy and plopping it into the mouth with a wicked smile.

Yet another one of wearing a new frock and sitting in Dad's arm and going into a studio to be photographed. Feeling the pride of sitting on Dad's lap in the bus, of my mightiest man..

Fighting with mom for not allowing me to play in the pond for she was stupid to be scared for me to fall into water and then finally landing into water by a reverse fall in a huge plop and then the same mom pulling me on to the shore and over that running into the temple to put the 10ps to Bhagavathi temple for saving my life taking a debt from my grandma,the best-friend and beacon of love in my life, again a thing to remember.

Waking up my younger uncle in the morning and going to lie-down by his side while he hugs me with the words "my child" brought smile into my childish face.

Sitting by the front side of a cycle with Dad's youngest brother telling me that the barber will cut the ears off as well with the short cropped hair and scariness in the half filled eyes while sitting in the revolving chair of our man while he cling - clings the scissors.

Sitting on the table in Dad's uncles home and while my youngest aunt feeding me with rice telling me all kinds of stories, teaching me Hindi alphabets. with her long hair, she was the prettiest female I had seen then.

Then while invading into a place where there was no one known, from a land of princess me to a nomadic land with lots of such princes and princesses there was pain grief and bewilderment. never did i understand why did we ever move on from this heaven home of ours to a small home in the city then. I thought more than many months to find the reasons.. why did I have to say bye to Grandma? why did mom tell me to shut up and kiss everyone and carry the little one(my brother who was some day's old then) and sit in the car to come into this new nomadic land where only Dad knew everyone.

Oh my god.. cant say quite what not runs into mind and tears down my eyes. I was a princess of my home. This is the window in my room and my thoughts started here. I originated here.Everyone whom I am deeper within resides here.. My best-friend - my grandma, grandpa sleeps for ever here - in this land..

Life tends to be nostalgic at times.

Walking alone in my destined paths..

What you are is your choice and what you do is from what you chose!!

I remember all these words every time I do an Aura reading and when I do it, I have the universe speaking to me. This is just about some questions arising in my mind regarding spirituality.

I am pretty curious by nature and just today I happened to speak to a friend of mine regarding some of the advancements in spirituality.I do Aura reading as a hobby. I do not charge for it.
May be that my ideology is wrong but I cant think about charging for a gift of the universe. God for me here is the universe and the multiple million particles that every tiny bit of universe is consisting of becomes souls for me which are in the physical terms nothing but energy particles.And the knowledge that all possess is also from the self awareness.

Meeting so many spiritual people and some of them who try to get on to a point where they are not able to handle spirituality anymore is where we kind of understand that true knowledge is not about assimilating a lot of books and doing a lot of mimicry of the legends did. But it is a process of knowing the voice within and then speaking out the thoughts to no one outside but to yourself and to convince you.. the deeper you are able to do that the deeper is your understanding of the universe and the deeper are you in the knowledgeable group.

Here I infer to the knowledge of the universe. Not of socio-political-cultural environment. The things that you think is from your upbringing,observations and also the thought process. Not from your reading skills. Reading is an art as every other art is and then the true essence comes out by the assimilation and understanding that one gets from the experience and connections that we frame within our selves. I am not a student of neuroscience but I somehow inherit a lot of knowledge about all these.

Where is the true source of knowledge then? It is with in selves and these selves are deeper conscience inherit within everyone. Oh.. Eisenstein did not read all text books to speak the wisdom, nor did Buddha. They read after they realized something. What is that something??
..............
incomplete

MAD me or you ????

I cant find the meaning behind this running.. this speed, this madness, this craziness.. I cant understand the pace of this running..

Well every single day of run, meeting new people, having loud nasty pointless discussions on many more arising Projects.. where are you?
Lost!!!!

No touch with your own body, no touch with your own mind and not knowing what you want.. now you tell me it is important to live.. why?
it perception..

Now why perceptions??? I don't know..

why do you don't know???.. now you call me mad!! :)

Well what is that is the thing behind which you are running???

Yet another day - Birthday!!

Hopes never end while I look up for this dawn of FEB 20th...

For everyone it is just another day, even for me it is .. but it is my birthday.
Memories of all kid-life comes back.. waking up early.. then praying to god.. wearing new dress and going to temple.. appas' face with lots of love.. telling me "happy birthday kanna".. so sweet.. I miss me.. but yup Birthday is fun..

I wanted to finish my blog; and hence did I come back and edit it to finish it.
Let me give you a proper look of my birthday;sadly recalling that I am 26 now...

I woke up with a buzz from a lovely female asking if I am not getting my blouse re-mended. She is my seamstress. I went to her house after a quick brush and then the weather was so chill that I could feel my bones shiver right within. I reached there in her house to get the characteristic smell of mustard oil and saw her in laws. Her mother-in-law wished me a happy birthday!!

She within some minutes finished my blouse and then I was heading towards my room. Back in the room I was, anticipating me as a beautiful woman in a gorgeous saree, wasting my time over TV gets a knock from one of my students with whom I was supposed to this city of dreams to celebrate my day.

He tells me he has a loose-motion and cannot go to the city letting me know I could go with his friend who was going to the city. I was happy... at-least I had a company and do not have to go in that rickety bus.. Indian buses are very dusty, if that is how I could put it up.

We(I and the boys) had breakfast a bit late and then this new company to travel tells me that we could head to the city by 10 in the morning.I get ready by 10:30 and we leave by 10:45 in a bike and get in to the home of another friend.

Of course I don't have a home to stay when ever I like in Bangalore. and I am kind of a self inhibiting person who do not stay about anywhere and everywhere. I am worried about giving others a pain. These are some of the little things that worries me, in fact only little things worry me lots.

I reach there to be welcomed by my friend, she is a warm person.. open and fine.someone matured enough to understand things in life.beautiful female with whom I can Jell-well..

And I get fresh ask her about how she is and then move to ward my phone eagerly waiting for someone to pick me up for lunch. I swear I hate waiting and always wants to be everybody's priority one. I know its too much to demand but I think I can't handle it.I am like that.


After about half an hour of doing this and that I get a call from my friend telling me that I do have to be getting picked from this place to get going into a hotel where he has probably arranged a lunch for me.. I don't know him well, i know he has been a friend for about a year now but yes not a regular one but someone with whom i trust i can stay for a while and have some fun.

I could see in his eyes the adoration he had for me, but yes missing the tomboyish me.. I was looking beautiful. this gentleman complained about me not eating. "I don't eat more", I told him but he was kind of making me eat. we ordered for some starters, some mail course as parathas and also some sabji. Lunch went fabulous. No more of dingles and dangles but yes that is beautiful.
after that I go on for a drive. a small beautiful drive.. I like this chap for the sportive nature he has and the choice of music we both have is similar.. nothing very more interesting happened but I love that part.

I am getting dropped back by like 4:00 p.m. and I have like 15 mins to get ready and go for the next date which is a coffee date.

This gentleman calls me by like 4:00, when I am with my previous friend, tells me to meet him by 5 at a specific spot but then reaching each there catching the auto costing me Rs.75 and trying to call him to apologize.. NO ANSWER - 4 times within next 45 minutes!! To my horror I am left out in a place where there is no one whom I know and I am ending up in a closer to a bridge and then I have nothing to do there but to wait.. I hate to wait...

After 45 mins of wait I decide to go inside a restaurant and sit waiting( to add to the glamour I had worn heels after some time and I knew that it is not my cup of tea though I like it, it hurts you know).. where after say for more than like 15 mins my man comes.
He apologized for being late and gave me a compliment of looking good,and then claims he was hungry. There was nothing able to be eaten there and we walk out.. We walk to a near by mall yet again nothing to eat, again to another place where we get fruit-salad with cream. My man gets a call and he tells me sorry again and goes out to pick this call.I called the third gentleman whom I am supposed to meet, getting me a dinner and told him that I am waiting and I was mad. and I had told him that he could pick me by 6:30.
All to my horror I have my man asking me, "can we walk and eat?". I was taken aback but yup I understood that he was busy.Apologies on again and then there goes my man.. This is the human being who talks to people about being relaxed and who is apparently overprotective about me and I have a crush about.But,I do not understand why does he need to get me on when he was still uncomfortable about himself.

THAT WAS BAD!!!

Crossing the road I felt like I have been crushed left right and center and then waiting at the Bus stop I meet my third gentleman of the day.. He was amused to look at me and tell me - your saree is really nice..

I like the air around this guy. Mid in his forties he is a man of courteousness. Very gentle and loving, dropped a kiss on my check to wish me birthday. Of-course he liked me more than I expected him to and that was a wonderful feel to have... beloved mate during a wonderful romantic birthday dinner date - he was perfect as a partner. I realized how lucky his wife was.

I also realized the importance of a homely man. My perception suddenly changed from that of a James Bond - Spider man guy to a lovely homely man who loves his lady love. WORDS OF CHIVALRY IS A WASTE OF TIME.. BUT MEN OF HONOR DO NOT WASTE TIME..:)

Dinner was perfect with ragada-pattis and also some cheese balls.. and naughty little "youngster" being a bit sweet with me... Though worried about his soul mate being ill, he managed to keep me merry. I felt good having him by my side telling him what happened about the day and all the things around me.. He was a perfect listener. and I thoroughly wanted someone like him to be with me or I dont know if i would have crashed for the day.. For clear I was disappointed with the earlier one..

then while way back to the nest, boarded bus from a beautiful flyover to a happening place and got an auto to home to add safety to my travel I tried calling up my best mate of the game.. Peeju as i sweetly call him.. He was with me all the while in auto over phone and helped me regain the courage to travel.. I am scared of darkness.. then I reached home of my friend and "skyped" about for an hour , quarreled with dad and slept of crying and thus ended my Birthday..

and

I am 26 now..